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The time immediately following the death of a loved one can be overwhelming, with grief and bereavement complicated by a seemingly endless number of tasks. The immediate days following the death will be focused on the funeral or memorial service arrangements. Soon after, however, various financial and legal issues must be addressed. Many people find it very difficult to be sure they have taken care of everything. The following is a list of tasks that are likely to need attention: Call the funeral home you have selected. If you have not chosen a funeral home ahead of time, the Massachusetts Funeral Directors' Association can give you information on funeral homes in your area and can be reached at 781-335-2031, or ask a friend, family member, or clergy for a reference to a local funeral home. If your loved one was a veteran, you may be able to get assistance with the funeral, burial plot, or other benefits. For information on benefits call the Veterans Administration at 800-827-1000. Also, the phone number for your local Veterans Agency is usually listed under Town Offices. You will need a copy of your loved one's discharge papers. In most cases these can be obtained from Massachusetts War Records, 617-727-2964. Obtain 10-15 copies of the Death Certificate from your funeral director. You can also get additional copies later online at: www.vitalrec.com/ma.html or at your city hall. If your loved one was receiving Social Security benefits, notify your local Social Security office of the death, since these benefits will stop. Overpayments will result in a difficult process of repayment. If you are a surviving spouse, ask about your eligibility for increased benefits. Also, check on benefits that any minor children may be entitled to receive. Contact the health insurance company or employer regarding terminating coverage for the deceased while continuing coverage for others covered through the policy. Contact the insurance company for all life insurance policies. You will need to provide the policy number and a certified copy of the death certificate and fill out a claim form. If the deceased is listed as the beneficiary on any other policy, arrange to have the name removed. If the deceased was working, contact the employer for information on pension plans, credit unions and union death benefits. You will need a certified copy of the death certificate for each claim. Return credit cards of the deceased with a certified copy of the death certificate, or notify the credit card company if you, as the survivor, want to retain use of the card. Seek the advice of an accountant or tax advisor about filing the deceased's tax return for the year of the death. Keep monthly bank statements on all individual and joint accounts that show the account balance on the day of death, since you will need this information for the estate tax return. Arrange to change any joint bank accounts into your name. If the deceased's estate is in trust, check with the Trust Department or Customer Service at the bank. Arrange to change stocks and bonds into your name. Your bank or stockbroker will have the forms. Make sure that important bills, such as mortgage payments, continue to be paid. Documents you may need to complete the tasks: Death Certificates (10 - 15 certified copies) Social Security Card Marriage Certificate Birth Certificate Birth Certificate for each child, if applicable Insurance Policies Deed and Titles to Property Stock Certificates Bank Books Honorable Discharge Papers for a Veteran and/or V.A. Claim Number Recent Income Tax Forms and W-2 Forms Automobile Title and Registration Papers Loan and Installment Payment Books and/or Contracts

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What to Do, Say, and Wear at Funerals
By Sue Fox

Going to funerals or memorial services can be uncomfortable for some people because of the emotions involved. Knowing what to do and say at funerals — and what to wear — can ease the discomfort.

When in doubt about going, do try to attend the service. Generally, the more difficult the situation, the more the family will appreciate your presence and your words of support. Your willingness to go out of your way to say a word or two of comfort will be very much appreciated.

These services provide a sense of completion, a process for mourning, and comfort for the living. The outpouring of grief and support for the family enables them to eventually go on with their own lives.

Attending a funeral or memorial service
In many cultures, the first event that follows a death is a visitation, calling, or wake — a courtesy call at the funeral home prior to the funeral. The casket is present (open or closed), with flowers on display, and the family receives visitors who come to greet them and offer words of comfort and support.

A funeral or memorial service may be a very public event, attended by family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and even acquaintances. A eulogy, prayers, or other funeral customs are observed. Because the immediate family may be overwhelmed, you need only to greet the mourners and briefly offer condolences. Most important for the family is the knowledge of your presence. (If the service is private, those attending will be notified personally, usually by telephone.)

Burials usually follow funerals. Some cultures consider it a sign of respect to deposit a ceremonial shovel of earth into the grave. This ceremony is initiated by a member of the family and followed by others. If you were close to the deceased, you may take your turn.

In almost all cultures, taking a meal in the company of close friends and family is a symbol of the continuation of life and a moment of separation from the intense details of the death, funeral, and burial. Recalling fond memories of the deceased may inspire smiles and even laughter at this gathering — this behavior is perfectly acceptable.

Expressing condolences at a funeral
Most people are at a loss for words when it comes to comforting someone who is grieving. If you don't know what to say, start with these thoughts:

You're so sorry to hear this sad news.
The deceased will be sorely missed by friends and colleagues.
How much you loved this person and how bereaved you feel.
You know how much the deceased loved and cared for the people who are left behind.
The grief you feel for the person who is left behind.
What a wonderful person the deceased was.
Recounting anecdotes, warm remembrances, and stories about the deceased is a kind thing to do. Remembering the person's accomplishments and all that person meant to you and did for you, and sharing that with the family, is very important and much appreciated.

The etiquette of consoling a dear one is the etiquette of genuine affection. Do what you can to comfort and assist the survivors, and be alert for an indication that your attentions have been gratefully received and are no longer necessary. Sometimes people need to work things out for themselves.

What to wear to a funeral
In Western society, black has long been the traditional color for mourning. However, wearing black isn't required any longer. Wearing a color other than black isn't a sign of disrespect, as long as the color isn't bright or wildly patterned. In many cultures, red is a color for festivals and would be inappropriate for a funeral. Generally, play it safe with any dark or subdued color. Hats may be worn by women, and at Orthodox Jewish services, yarmulkes are worn by the men. Dark suits and ties for men and dresses or suits for women are always appropriate.

Some religions impose strict standards of modesty on women. When in doubt, ask someone or do an Internet search. If you don't know whom to ask, make sure that the only skin you display at a funeral is from the neck up and the knees down.

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